11:38 a.m.--2003-01-05 So this was the end of my romantic life, I think.
Too many completely shattering heart-breaks. And you know, there are people in the world who go their lives without marrying, and I think I will be one of them. I met Claudia, and loved her with all my heart, and truly believed that she loved me too. We were going to be married, you know - though it came out in a moment of crazed passion, totally impulsive. But later, sober and calm, we discussed it, and figured we'd put it on the back burner until later.
But no more.
And this has happened too many times. It's too hard. I know myself, and I know when I get this hurt, this hard - it takes a very long time to recover. A couple of years, at least - that's what it took in Brenda's case, and heck that still hurts every now and again. And this, this love I had with Claudia - it was so much stronger, so much deeper. It was crazy-intense, it was earth-shattering and magical and scary and real.
And now it's gone. When she talks to me there's no affection in her voice, nothing but emptiness and uncaring.
And I feel like I've had all my squidgy bits on the inside frozen solid, scooped out, and shattered into a zillion kabillion pieces. There's not enough Krazy Glue in the world to put my heart back together.
And it's going to feel this way for a really long time. And I can't take this again - not ever. So I'm never going to fall in love again. I've spent SO much time being heart-broken, and so little time being happy, that I just have to avoid this. It's not good for me, I'm not cut out for it. Most people are, obviously - but I'm just not one of them. Too fragile, I suppose, at least when it comes to romantic love.
But I do know that I can be happy when I'm single - I know I can be engaged in life, happy with the distractions of the moment, happy being busy and having friends, and sharing affection and support with them, and family. And I'll get there again, and never ever ever give it up again. It'll take a long time, and there are dark, hard, awful days ahead, full of longing, self-loathing, loneliness...
But I'll get through it. I'm just dreading this process, which I know so well. I'm hating inhabiting this terrain which I have covered so many times before. I know how much it's going to hurt, and I"m completely powerless to do anything but simply endure it.
